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little one

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let's talk. [Feb. 19th, 2008|09:13 pm]
little one
[Current Location |my apartment]
[::this is me:: |apatheticapathetic]
[::guess what I hear:: |2 and a half men.]

so. let's recap, shall we?

i'm addicted to chips and salsa recently.
same with pancakes.
both of these are things i normally do not like. i'm not sure what's going on. whatever dude.
i would have gotten a B on my 11 page paper i pulled outta my butt in 2 hours if i had remembered to write an abstract. because i didn't have one i got a 75. damnit. i THINK if i correct that i can get an 80. i hope so.
i'm so done with school.
correction. i'm so done with gcu.
i'm excited to start at cgcc. weird? i think so.
i think i'm just excited to have a fresh start.

wow. my attention span on the internet has shortened severely. i'm bored.
i quit.
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(no subject) [Feb. 9th, 2008|11:00 am]
little one
[Current Location |santan village]
[::this is me:: |happyhappy]
[::guess what I hear:: |barenaked ladies. rock on paradise bakery!]

so i'm at paradise bakery at santan village in gilbert (i have a Mac appt out here...don't ask.) anyways. i was here early, so i came in to enjoy a cookie and a diet coke. how better to start a saturday morning, right? right. so here i am...enjoying the free wifi, and a young guy and his daughter, no older than MAYBE 2 sits at the table in front of me. it's so awesome to just sit and watch them interact. in that not creepy way, mind you.

he's so good with her...and she's so cute with him. eating her sang-wich. mainly just the bread, as the whole half sandwich is much too large for her tiny little hands and even tinier little mouth to handle at once. it's cute to watch her excited glee when the kids' meal bag was placed in front of her- the pointing and clapping and cheering ....and now i just got a smile from her.

it makes my day.

kids are cute.
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it's so true... [Dec. 30th, 2007|09:56 pm]
little one
[Current Location |my room.]
[::this is me:: |gloomygloomy]
[::guess what I hear:: |grey's anatomy]

"In life, God doesn't give you the people you want...instead, he gives you the people you need...to teach you, to hurt you, to love you, to make you laugh...to make you exactly the way you should be..."
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(no subject) [Dec. 22nd, 2007|01:29 pm]
little one
[Current Location |my room.]
[::guess what I hear:: |paul george talk. amazing.]

God needs to spice up his plan for my life...

it seems to be pretty mundane here lately.

work.
school.
work some more.

a little adventure or fork in the road would be kindda nice...

i'm just sayin...
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changes. they're inevitable. [Nov. 4th, 2007|10:47 pm]
little one
[Current Location |maria's dorm]
[::this is me:: |anxiousanxious]
[::guess what I hear:: |ipod de maria]

amber still posts.

that motivates me to post.....well. motivates me to wanna post.

so here i go.

work frustrates me.

correction.

my high schoolers frustrate me.

i love my junior high.

i can't wait til i'm a full time junior high youth minister.

go figure. i know right? this coming from the person who used to get physically sick over having to teach junior high for ONE night...ha. ya. i know.

oh well.

in other news....buying a house is stressful....there's a lot of hidden things you find out once you start the process that people don't tell you about until then....a lotta hidden costs. pssh. that crap's expensive.

but i've found a couple cute lil places i'm excited 'bout....it's weird to think in a few months or so i'm gonna own a house. and a car. and i've got a pretty good salary right now....and in 6 months to the day (well, minus one day) i'm gonna be a college graduate.

life is so crazy.........

for reals.

k. time to wash out the hair dye.
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hum. [Aug. 28th, 2007|11:02 pm]
little one
[::this is me:: |sadsad]
[::guess what I hear:: |nothing.]

so, life got way super interesting today.....

i got a phone call from str/olv.

i got the job.

i was (am) excited....but more than anything. i'm scared. and a lotta bit sad too.

i drove seth home tonight on my break, and talking to him.....i realized what a huge part of my life the Y is- mostly my coworkers there. =(

they've literally become my family over the last 18 months or so....it's weird to think of not seeing them everyday.

i actually don't like the thought of not seeing them...it actually makes me want to cry. for reals for reals.

i'm excited beyond belief for this new chanllenge God has put in my life. but...at the same time...i'm devastated about what it'll mean i'm losing.

i hate this.
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things that make you go "hmmm." [Aug. 27th, 2007|02:36 pm]
little one
At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.....- Meredith Grey- "Grey's Anatomy"
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(no subject) [Aug. 3rd, 2007|09:56 pm]
little one
[Current Location |apartamento]
[::this is me:: |lonelylonely]
[::guess what I hear:: |here (in your arms) hellogoodbye]

so what's a new post for the first time in like almost two months? =) wanna make sure ya'll are kept on your toes....haha. not that there's many of you out there still, i don't think...but. what the hell. what have i to loose....really. i just. i dunno. after the last few weeks i just need to write...i think. but i don't wanna write either one of my papers, so here goes...

i need to get outta here. like seriously, as i was walking from my car up to my apartment it hit me- i can't stand living in this area a whole lot longer. like, i LOVE the people i'm around here....but. seriously. i can't take falling asleep to the sound of the police helicpoters every night or the train on Grand for much longer. and the fact that on dark and stormy nights, i can see the lights from the ghetto choppers coming through the apartments...not the most comforting. and it's like....i dunno. i drive down the streets as i'm coming home from work, and to see some of the kids or the people that i have to...it's like. i can't even explain. it's not that i think i'm better than this area, because it's not that. but it's just i can't take living in the heart of phoenix anymore.

i took my trusty apartment guide from work yesterday, and i've been house searching online....i've got a long list of places i've been looking at....i want out.

and as much as i've haaaated being in school all summer, i think i'm ready for real school to start...i need some regularity to my life.

who knows..........life is too complicated i think.
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straight from the heart... [Jun. 15th, 2007|07:25 pm]
little one
[Current Location |my apartament]
[::this is me:: |crushedcrushed]
[::guess what I hear:: |f-r-i-e-n-d-s]

Not long after I graduated from high school, i found myself leading a small college group at a large church. i cherished the role, at first because it was one of honor. i studied the bible for hours, putting together talks that the students enjoyed. it started as a substitute job. the college ministers couldn't be there one week and they asked me to fill in. when i was asked to speak again, i jumped at the chance. pretty soon i was teaching all the time. i swam in the attention and the praise, i loved it, i lusted after it, i almost drowned in it.

the more attention i got, the stranger i became. i was on my way to having my own religious talk show. ok, that's a bit much, but you know what i mean. i was a smiler, a hand-shaker, a baby kisser, and a speech giver. i said things like "God be with you" and 'Lord bless you". i used cliches like a bad novelist. i led the college group for a couple of years and enjoyed it at first, but it wasn't long before i felt like a phony. i got tired of myself. i didn't like to hear my own voice because it sounded like a talk-show host.

one afternoon i made an appt with my pastor and told him i was leaving, that i was going into the world to get my thinking straight.

"How long will you be gone?" he asked
"i don't know" i shrugged
"are you ok?"
"i think so. maybe". i told him.
"can you talk about it?" he looked concerned.
"no, not really".
"i understand you need a break. why don't you take a couple weeks off".
"i was thinking longer".
"how long?"
"i dunno. can you put a time limit on these things?"
"what things, don?"
"i don't know." i told him, sort of staring out the window.
"can you tell me how you feel?"
"no. i've tried to put the words to it, you know, but i can't. i'm just really tired. mentally drained. i feel like i'm jumping through hoops or something. i don't fel like god is teaching through me. i feel like i'm a fake person, you know. i say what i need to say, do what i need to do, but i don't really mean it."
"what does the real you want to say and do?"
"i don't know. that's what the trip is about".
"are you having a crisis of faith?"
"maybe. what is as crisis of faith?
"do you believe in God?"
"yes, i want to go on a trip with Him".
"you aren't having any doubts at all?"
"no. i don't have any doubts about God or anything; it's just me. i feel like i am constantly saying things i don't mean. i tell people they should share their faith, but i don't feel like sharing mine. i tell people they should be in the Word but i'm only in it because i have to teach the Word. i said to a guy the other day, "God bless you" what does that mean? then i started thinking about all the crap i say. all the cliches, all the parroted slogans. i have become an infomercial for God and i dont' even use the product. i don't want to be who i am anymore."
"so you think you should go away?"
"yes."
"where will you go?"
"america".
"america?"
"yes."
"we are in america now don"
"yeah, i know. but tehre are other parts to america. i'd like to see the other parts. i was looking at a map the other day, you know, and texas was sort of brown with some green, a few hills, but then there were other places that were more green with big lumpy mountains. i'd like to see those places"
"do you think God is out there somewhere? out there in the lumpy places?"
"i think God is everywhere."
"then why do you have to leave?"
"because i can't be here anymore. i don't feel whole here. i feel, well, partly whole. incomplete. tired. it has nothing to do with this church; it's all me. something got crossed in the wires, and i became the person who i should be and not the person i am. it feels like i should go back and get the person i am and bring him here to the person i should be. are you following me at all? do you know what i am talking about, about the green lumpy places?"

the conversation went on like this for an hour. i went on and on about how the real me was out in the green lumpy places. i wasn't making any sense...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i think it's time i go out to my own green lumpy places...
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(no subject) [Mar. 8th, 2007|09:23 pm]
little one
crazy acurate!!

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are balanced, peaceful, and sincere.
You're the type of person who goes along to get along.
And you're definitely afraid of rocking the boat.

Underneath it all, you fear your world falling apart.
You'll put up with a situation that you don't like in fear of changing it.
Disruptive and forceful people intimidate you - and sometimes exploit you.
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